So last weekend I saw 50 Shades of Grey. Ya I know. I will admit that I read the first book a few summers ago when it was all the rage. Just the first book. I could barely get through it. I felt like I couldn’t bear to read the final two. I get it, you have amazing sex with amazing orgasms every time (give me a break) with an insanely hot billionaire (eye roll). I was curious though, how would it play out on the big screen? How could they capture the essence that is Christian Grey depicted in the book? I found out that they really could not.
The following is a list of emotions I had while screening 50 Shades.
- Excitement. I was excited to make a girls night of it with, who else, Irina. Drinks, dinner and a movie. Perfect date night. Thank god it was with her and not the opposite sex. I would have literally died watching this movie with anyone but another female.
- Comfort. Ummm unbeknownst to me our local theater was remodeled. I sat in basically the most comfortable recliner of my life with double the personal space than before.
- Awkwardness. The movie. It’s awkward. Like, it’s all too much. When Ana asks “what’s that?” And Christian says “it’s a flogger” I almost died. I don’t even know what the hell a flogger is but it sounds terrible. And the fact that I just heard it come out of someone else’s mouth makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. Also, all of the women laughing hysterically out of awkwardness is so awkward. Can we all just be quiet and pretend we aren’t all in the same room together?
- Annoyance. The couple next to me wouldn’t stop talking. He went to the bathroom and when he returned she needed to tell him everything he missed. He literally missed Christian spanking Ana over his knee. I had to relive the whole thing again.
- Musical. The soundtrack is the bomb.
- Pleasantly Surprised. Honestly, Dakota Johnson wasn’t half bad. The movie had bits and pieces of comedic relief and most of the time it came from her. In my mind I pictured Ana slightly different, maybe with like sharper features…if that makes any sense. Johnson was a little too mousy for me but over all she kind of nailed Ms. Steele.
- Disappointment. Poor Jamie Dornan. He’s so insanely cute. He’s not right for Christian Grey. His mouth does this weird curling down thing when he smiles, it’s not Christian Grey. He doesn’t have the jawline or the five o’clock shadow or the piercing eyes. But who does? Christian Grey is a guy every woman (and some men) have dreamed up and you just can’t put a real life face to it. Okay maybe I can. Matt Bomer. Liam Hemsworth.
- Self Doubt. What have I become? Am I a prude? Why is no one else covering their eyes at the soft core porn on the screen? Is this normal?
- Drowsy. I fell asleep. I awoke disoriented to the scrolling credits. I think I only missed the last 5 or so minutes. Around the part Christian took a heavy leather belt to Ana’s bare ass and made her count it out. I blame the new recliners. And the movie.